There was a time — and we are not proud of this — when we both looked at people who saw therapists with a certain quiet skepticism. Not cruelty, just the comfortable assumption of those who haven’t yet needed something: that counseling was for people with serious problems, or perhaps for those who lacked sufficient faith. We were wrong. And life, in its patient way, taught us so.

We each eventually found ourselves in pain we could not pray or willpower our way out of. Pain that was real, persistent, and beyond what we could manage alone. And in that place, professional counseling became one of the most significant blessings either of us has ever received.

The stigma that lingers

Decades ago, there was a widely held belief that psychiatric help was only for the clinically unstable. That stigma has softened considerably in recent years — but it has not disappeared entirely, and in some faith communities it can still carry a quiet weight. Some people still respond to the mention of therapy with an eye roll or a gentle suggestion that more prayer might be the answer.

We understand that instinct. We shared it. But we have come to see it very differently now. For those of us who are suffering in our marriages — or suffering in the aftermath of one — professional counseling may be one of the most important earthly tools available to us. Not as a replacement for faith, but as a companion to it.

We love this counsel from Elder Holland because it reframes the question entirely. Seeking professional help is not a sign of weak faith — it is the same wisdom that leads us to see a doctor when our body is sick. Our Father in Heaven has blessed this generation with remarkable understanding of the human mind and heart. Refusing to make use of that understanding is, as Elder Holland suggests, a bit like refusing to open a gift.

What counseling actually did for us

For both of us, therapy did something that nothing else had quite managed: it gave us language. It gave us names for things we had been experiencing for years without being able to articulate them. Shame cycles. Attachment patterns. Betrayal trauma. Codependency. The moment a skilled counselor could say “what you are describing is called this” — something shifted. Suddenly we weren’t just suffering; we were beginning to understand.

Counseling also helped us see patterns we were too close to notice on our own — places where our responses to our spouses were being shaped by things that had happened long before our marriages, old wounds quietly running the show. Understanding those patterns didn’t solve everything, but it meant we were finally working on the right problems.

When couples counseling helps — and when it doesn’t

Marriage counseling, when both partners engage in it honestly and humbly, can do remarkable things. It provides a safe space to address conflicts that tend to spiral at home. It offers tools for communication, conflict resolution, and understanding each other’s needs in ways you may never have had before. If you are struggling in your marriage and haven’t tried counseling, we gently encourage you not to wait.

That said, couples counseling is not always the right first step — and in some situations it can actually make things worse. If there are secrets, serious addiction, or abuse present in the relationship, individual counseling is often more appropriate to begin with. An abusive partner may use a couples session as another arena for control, dominating the conversation or using what is shared against their spouse later. Some are extraordinarily skilled at presenting themselves as the reasonable one — even convincing a counselor that their spouse is the problem.

If you are in that situation, please know: your experience is valid even if it hasn’t been believed. Individual counseling with someone you trust can help you find your footing before — or instead of — couples work.

One more caution — if you go to counseling with a goal of changing your spouse or someone else, you will be sorely disappointed. A counselor can help you understand and change yourself, and that is where your real power lies.

Choosing the right therapist

We strongly encourage seeking a professionally licensed therapist — not because credentials guarantee wisdom, but because they reflect a baseline of training and accountability. Beyond that, the relationship matters enormously. A good therapist is someone you feel genuinely understood by, someone who respects your faith and your values, and someone whose approach actually helps you move forward. If a therapist doesn’t feel right, it is completely reasonable to try someone else.

Don’t let the search for the perfect counselor become a reason to avoid starting. An imperfect beginning is far better than none at all. Many people find that their first counselor serves them well for a season, and then they grow into needing something different. That is normal and healthy.

You don’t have to be in crisis to go

One of the things we have come to believe strongly is that therapy doesn’t have to be a last resort. Just as we visit a doctor for a physical checkup or a dentist before a toothache becomes unbearable, an annual visit with a counselor — even when things feel stable — is a genuinely good idea. Especially for those in marriages navigating real challenges, or for those still processing the aftermath of divorce.

There is no shame in going. There is no weakness in going. There is only the quiet courage of someone who loves themselves and their family enough to do the hard, honest, healing work.