It’s not always the man’s fault
It is not always the man’s fault
Challenges in marriage are not always the result of a man’s shortcomings. This is something our culture has not always made easy to believe — for men or for women.
Val
False Summits — a detour on the ascent
A note from Val
(This is a post that I created. With the exception of one quote from Bruce, these are my thoughts. I felt like this needed to come from me.)
Val
I’ll admit that, with my limited experience at the time, I had quietly absorbed the idea that most marriage failures were primarily the man’s responsibility. It wasn’t something I held consciously or defended openly. It was more like background noise — an assumption I had never examined closely enough to question.
I also believed that people can change and grow from their mistakes, which is part of why I was open to dating again after my own divorce. But I was still carrying that assumption with me when I started getting to know Bruce.
Waiting for the confession
As they spent time together, Val found herself waiting for the inevitable — the terrible thing he must have done to cause his divorce. Bruce took complete responsibility for what had happened, but she couldn’t understand why. When he shared specific situations — miscommunications, accusations, conflicts — they seemed relatively minor, and largely fixable. Yet no matter how hard he had tried, he couldn’t repair the relationship. In fact, it only deteriorated further.
What puzzled her most was his honesty. She could tell he wasn’t minimizing or hiding anything. He was genuinely baffled by how things had unraveled — and so was she. He even encouraged her to speak with his former spouse so she could fully understand just how “terrible” he believed himself to be. That offer told her more about his character than almost anything else could have.
Val
As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, I came to know who he actually was. Honest and upright. Deeply kind. A true gentleman. His faith and discipleship were profound — something I admired deeply and aspired to myself. I remember thinking how fortunate I would be if he chose me.
Nearly a decade into our marriage, he has remained exactly who I first believed him to be. Looking back, I have come to believe that the cultural narrative surrounding men and divorce — the one that placed all responsibility at their feet — likely contributed to the breakdown of his former marriage over time.
Where the narrative came from
In our church culture, men are taught to preside over their families. Over time, that word has carried very different meanings. When Val was younger, presiding was often taught as having the final say — sometimes in all decisions. Brides were taught to obey their husbands, a concept that created serious challenges when a husband made unrighteous or unwise choices.
Thankfully, our understanding of presiding has evolved. Today it more often reflects partnership — counseling together, making decisions jointly, leading with humility. Presiding now includes taking the lead in Christlike practices: study, prayer, service, love. When understood correctly, it is a sacred responsibility that can strengthen marriages and bring greater unity and peace to families.
But not long ago, men in the Church were chastised in priesthood meetings for marital struggles. They were told that if something was wrong in their marriage, it was their fault — and that they alone needed to fix it. This messaging unintentionally suggested that women were not accountable for their own choices, behaviors, thoughts, or emotions.
Placing sole responsibility for marital success on men has had lasting consequences. Many men carry deep guilt, shame, and feelings of worthlessness when their marriages struggle or fail — particularly when the problems are beyond their ability to fix on their own. Some men who experience divorce never return to church, believing they have failed spiritually and are no longer welcome.
Bruce
There were parts of our culture that made it feel like the divorce had to be my fault. And my default setting is to try to fix things and take responsibility for everything. Put those together and it was a perfect storm for guilt and shame. I didn’t want to protect myself by pointing fingers at my former spouse, so I tried to stick to the truth without turning it into a story about who was right or wrong. For a long time I carried weight that, deep down, I didn’t believe was mine to carry — but I assumed I must be missing something. Eventually I hit a point where I couldn’t keep living inside a version of the story that my heart knew wasn’t true.
What I have come to understand
As you read — or reflect — on topics such as mental illness, personality disorders, addiction, abuse, and infidelity, please remember that these challenges affect both men and women. Men are not always the abusers. They are not the only ones who struggle with addiction or mental health. They are not the only ones who can be difficult, unkind, or unwilling to change.
We are each on our own journey back to God. That journey looks different for everyone — and it does not sort neatly by gender. Let us allow space for individual accountability, growth, and agency.
Val
In our marriage, I don’t allow Bruce to take on the hero mentality — the belief that he is solely responsible to fix everything. I take responsibility for my own actions and struggles. When he instinctively defaults to that role, I tease him about it, and we laugh. That shared understanding has brought us peace, balance, and genuine happiness. We no longer carry unnecessary burdens — only joy, partnership, and love.
Rather than judging, may we do our best to love, support, and extend compassion to both men and women as they navigate the complexities of marriage and life. We are each doing the best we can with what we have been given. That is true of the men in your life too.
The man in your life may be carrying more than you know. So may you. That is reason for gentleness — in both directions.
When you’re ready, the next post continues the journey.
When something is wrong and you can’t name it →About this site
Peace After Pain is written by Val and Bruce — two people who have been through divorce and found healing on the other side. The content here is for informational and educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional advice. If you are in a difficult or dangerous situation, please seek help from a licensed counselor, your ecclesiastical leader, or appropriate authorities.
About Val & Bruce →Has this been your experience?
We would love to hear from men who have carried this weight — or from anyone who has seen this dynamic up close. Comments are moderated with kindness.
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